1-2-3 Magic: Timeout

The Basics

Information adapted from Dr. Thomas W. Phelan’s book, "1-2-3 Magic: 3 Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting"

Dr. Thomas W. Phelan’s book, "1-2-3 Magic: 3 Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting", was released in 1995 and remains a top parenting tool today. Dr. Phelan’s program is the “world’s simplest discipline program for parents with kids aged two to twelve years old.” His program uses a counting system that helps set limits for kids using three steps.

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The procedure is simple. When a child does something wrong, the parent counts “one,” letting the child know they are headed in the wrong direction. If the child stops, the parent thanks the child. If the behavior continues, the parent counts “two,” signaling to the child that they will receive a brief time-out unless they stop immediately. If the behavior stops immediately, there is no consequence, but if the behavior continues, the parent immediately counts “three,” and the child must go to a time-out.

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This isn’t intended to be a punishment or anything other than a time-out from reinforcement.

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Procedures like this help if they successfully signal to the child when they need to self-monitor or teach the child to settle down and self-regulate. The procedure is intended to help by:

  • Reducing obnoxious behavior

  • Encouraging good behavior

  • Strengthening your relationship

1-2-3 Magic’s system, according to Dr. Phelan, is based on the fact that parents talk too much, which can worsen the problem. Using a counting system with little emotion and less talk about inappropriate behavior reduces the chances that a parent loses their temper or throws out empty threats in the heat of the moment. Instead, a parent counts, waits, and does not have a conversation about the behavior unless it is new, unusual, or dangerous. Talking too much can unintentionally reinforce negative behavior.

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As with all parenting programs, the key to success is consistency. You can purchase Dr. Phelan’s book online and find helpful resources like workbooks, videos, and DVDs.

Time In vs. Time Out

If a parent is skilled at using rewards, they can usually get their child to comply by using positive approaches. But when a child needs help calming down, a time-out can help by removing them from any reinforcements, rewards, and attention when they misbehave. The time-out procedure involves removing your child from the setting where the misbehavior occurs and placing them in a less stimulating or slightly boring place for a few minutes, usually no more than 1 minute per year of age.

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There are many advantages of using a time-out. It stops the behavior. It’s immediate and brief. But, there are several disadvantages to it as well.

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Advantages include:

  • Easy to learn and use

  • Quickly weakens many negative behaviors

  • Teaches the child what they must not do

  • Helps parents feel less angry and upset (it's a better alternative than yelling, threatening, or hitting)

Disadvantages include:

  • Does not teach the child what to do instead

  • This can lead to a power struggle

  • Is not appropriate for children who cannot self-regulate or become severely dysregulated

Time Out Tips and Appropriate Use

  • Use a timer set for the shortest time you think will work.

  • Find an appropriate place, free from distractions, where you can monitor the child. Usually, a space that is boring, safe, well-lit, and ventilated is never scary or humiliating.

  • Tell the child in advance that they are not in trouble; they need to calm down and let them know what will happen. Let them sit for a minute in the area to get used to the procedure, and tell them which behaviors will result in a time-out. Start off with a couple of minor but annoying behaviors that occur frequently.

  • Do not try to use time-out to correct everything​.

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Time-out is appropriate for children ages 2 to 8 and for clearly inappropriate or non-compliant behaviors. For example:

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  • Hitting

  • Throwing things

  • Biting

  • Kicking

  • Grabbing

  • Hair pulling

  • Choking

  • Teasing

  • Slapping

  • Pinching

  • Scratching or pushing others

  • Tantrums

  • Cussing

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Time out is not appropriate for children under age 2, pre-adolescents, adolescents, children who have language delays, and behaviors like:

  • Sensory Overstimulation

  • Pouting

  • Sulking

  • Irritableness

  • Failing to do chores

  • Not doing homework

  • Fearfulness

  • Being timid or passive

  • Overactive behavior

  • Behaviors you did not personally observe

Many of these behaviors might be due to a lack of skill or ability rather than acting out or non-compliance.

Basic Steps of Time Out

  1. Pick a target behavior, talk with the child about it, and go through the procedure.

  2. When the behavior occurs, send your child to a time-out or place them there, saying as little as possible. Initially, your child may not go willingly. When necessary, you might have to pick them up, face them away from you, and carry them to a time-out. Do not talk to them or make eye contact. It may be necessary to hold the child to help them calm down, ignoring their promises to do better if they do not have to take a time out, their cries to escape, or comments that you are being mean or that they hate you. These behaviors are best ignored.

  3. Set the timer in view but out of your child's reach. The standard rule is one minute per year of age, but the best amount of time is the minimum required to achieve compliance.

  4. Ignore your child while in a time-out. Have the family go about their business. If your child continues to cry, yell, or try to hit you when the timer rings, reset the clock for an additional 2 minutes or less. They may get up if they are quiet when the timer goes off. If they are still fighting after extending the time once, let them get up, but impose a backup consequence of losing a privilege because they did not complete their time-out successfully.   

The Importance of Time In

Time out is effective if and only if it is effective. Time-in refers to the positive interactions and feedback that children receive when they behave well. The overall quality of the relationship is determined by the positive interactions that occur naturally and spontaneously throughout the day. This is when children are learning what they should do and being allowed to strengthen their individuality. They need to see parents as being there to help keep them safe and to provide boundaries, but not to prevent them from exploring and learning.

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When children have behavioral difficulties, one effective strategy is to try to catch them being good. Look for opportunities to praise the child for appropriate behavior. Tell them exactly what you observed, i.e., “I noticed that you were nice to your sister” or “You waited your turn,” and then provide immediate praise. Pair verbal praise with physical hugs and smiles, and give consistent feedback on more difficult behaviors for the child. The balance between time in and time out makes this procedure work.