1-2-3 Magic: Timeouts

The Basics

Information adapted from Dr. Thomas W. Phelan’s book, "1-2-3 Magic: 3 Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting"

Dr. Thomas W. Phelan’s book, "1-2-3 Magic: 3 Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting", was released in 1995 and continues to be a top parenting tool used today. Dr. Phelan’s program is the “world’s simplest discipline program for parents with kids aged two to twelve years old.” His program uses a counting system that helps set limits for kids using three steps.

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The procedure is simple. When a child does something wrong, the parent counts “one,” letting the child know they are headed in the wrong direction. If the child stops, the parent thanks the child. If the behavior continues, the parent counts “two,” which signals the child that they will receive a brief time-out if they continue. If the behavior stops immediately, there is no consequence, but if the behavior continues, the parent immediately counts “three” and the child must go to time out.

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This isn’t intended to be a punishment or anything other than a time-out.

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Procedures like this help if they successfully signal the child to notice when they need to self-monitor or when they teach the child to settle down and self-regulate. The procedure is intended to help by:

 

  • Controlling obnoxious behavior

  • Encouraging good behavior

  • Strengthening your relationship

 

1-2-3 Magic’s system, according to Dr. Phelan, is based on the fact that parents talk too much, which can worsen the problem. Using the counting system with little emotion and less talking about inappropriate behavior minimizes the chances that a parent loses their own temper or throws out empty threats in the heat of the moment. Instead, a parent counts and waits and does not have a conversation about the behavior unless the behavior is new, unusual, or dangerous.

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As with all parenting programs, the key to success is consistency. You can purchase Dr. Phelan’s book online and find helpful resources like workbooks, videos, and DVDs.

Time In vs. Time Out

If a parent is skilled at using rewards, they can usually get their child to comply by using positive approaches. But when a child needs help calming down, time out can help by removing them from any reinforcements, rewards, and attention when they misbehave. The time-out procedure involves removing your child from the setting in which the misbehavior occurs and placing them in a boring place.

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There are many advantages of using time out. It stops the behavior. It’s immediate and brief. But, there are some disadvantages to it as well.

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Advantages include:

  • Easy to learn and use

  • Quickly weakens many negative behaviors

  • Teaches the child what they must not do

  • Parents report feeling less angry and upset

 

Disadvantages include:

  • Does not teach the child what to do instead

  • This can lead to a power struggle

Time Out Tips and Appropriate Use

  • Use a timer set with the least amount of time you think will work.

  • Find an appropriate place, free from distractions, where you can monitor the child. Usually, a space that is boring, safe, well-lit, and ventilated is never scary or humiliating.

  • Tell the child in advance that they are not in trouble; they need to calm down and let them know what will happen. Let them sit for a minute in the area to get used to the procedure, and tell them which behaviors will result in a time-out. Start off with a couple of minor but annoying behaviors that occur frequently.

  • Do not try to use time out to correct everything​.

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Time out is appropriate for children ages 2 to 8 and for clearly inappropriate or non-compliant behaviors. For example:

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  • Hitting

  • Throwing things

  • Biting

  • Kicking

  • Grabbing

  • Hair pulling

  • Choking

  • Teasing

  • Slapping

  • Pinching

  • Scratching or pushing others

  • Tantrums

  • Cussing

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Time out is not appropriate for children under age 2, pre-adolescents, adolescents, children who have language delays, and behaviors like:

  • Pouting

  • Sulking

  • Irritableness

  • Failing to do chores

  • Not doing homework

  • Fearfulness

  • Being timid or passive

  • Overactive behavior

  • Behaviors you did not personally observe

 

Many of these behaviors might be due to a lack of skill or ability rather than acting out or non-compliance.

Basic Steps of Time Out

  1. Pick a target behavior, talk with the child about it, and go through the procedure.

  2. When the behavior occurs, send or place your child in time out, saying as little as possible. Initially, your child may not go willingly. When necessary, you might have to pick them up, face them away from you and carry them to time out. Do not talk to them or make eye contact. Hold them in the chair from behind, ignoring their promises to do better if they do not have to go to time out, their cries to escape, or comments that you are being mean or that they hate you. These behaviors are best ignored.

  3. Set the timer in view but out of reach of your child. The standard rule is one minute per year of age, but the best amount of time is the least amount of time required to gain compliance.

  4. Ignore your child while in time out. Have the family go about their business. If your child continues to cry or yell or tries to hit you when the timer rings, reset the clock for an additional two minutes or less. They may get up if they are quiet when the timer goes off. If they are still fighting after extending the time once, let them get up but give them a backup consequence of a loss of a privilege because they did not complete their time out successfully.   

The Importance of Time In

Time out is effective if and only if the time it is effective. Time refers to the positive interactions and feedback children receive when behaving well. The overall quality of the relationship is determined by the positive interactions which occur naturally and spontaneously throughout the day. This is when children are learning what they should do and being allowed to strengthen their individuality. They need to see parents as being there to help keep them safe and to provide boundaries but not to prevent them from exploring and learning.

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When children have difficulty with behavior, one great strategy is to try to catch them being good. Look for opportunities to praise the child for appropriate behavior. Tell them exactly what you observed, i.e., “I noticed that you were nice to your sister” or “You waited your turn,” and then provide immediate praise. Pair verbal praise with physical hugs and smiles and give feedback consistently for more difficult behaviors for the child. The balance between time in and time out makes this procedure work.