Anger
Understanding Anger
Anger is a normal human emotion that we all experience. Angry reactions come from many places: fatigue, embarrassment, frustration, rejection, or when old memories get triggered or we see someone being hurt. Anger has an internal biochemical component and a behavioral component. When we are threatened, our fight or flight system is automatically activated. The body responds biochemically; adrenaline is pumped into our bloodstream, muscles tense, breathing accelerates, heart rate and blood pressure increase, pupils dilate, and palms sweat. These and many other sensations are felt throughout the body, and they are impossible to ignore.
People who struggle with anger often feel that they cannot control themselves. This happens because these internal biochemical reactions are involuntary. What is happening inside the body is, for the most part, beyond our control, but how we choose to respond to these feelings behaviorally is voluntary. We can choose our outward expression of anger, but we must learn to do so appropriately. Anger is an emotion, and aggression is a behavior, one that is usually intended to cause harm. We may not be able to control our emotions, but we are always responsible for our behavior.
The stress response is activated with the perception of a threat. Perceptions are often influenced by attitudes or judgments. If you can resolve the threat either cognitively or by calming your body, your system becomes regulated. When you cannot resolve the threat, you become dysregulated, and you experience emotions like anger, rage, or fear. What you are feeling is the automatic internal fight or flight physiology. The story or narrative you make about these feelings defines the emotion you experience. If you identify these feelings as anger, you are effectively predicting that you are going to act out in some way. Based on past experience, you have acted out when you felt this way. Saying “I am angry” sets you up to act in a particular way. If you change the narrative, this will change the outward way you deal with these feelings.
Mastering Anger
Fear and anger are helpful and adaptive at times, but they can also be highly destructive. According to Dr. David Hanscom, “Anxiety is the sensation you feel when you sense real or perceived danger, and anger represents a more intense reaction when you can’t solve the threat. These are hard-wired responses that are present in every living creature, and they help us sustain life. The only way to lower them is to decrease your levels of stress hormones, inflammatory markers, and metabolism (rate of fuel consumption). You cannot reason with or control the flight or fight response. It is as effective as talking to the hard drive of your computer – can’t work.”
Fear and anger can be helpful if we are fighting or facing severe physical challenges. Fear puts us in a state of high alert, and anger gives us energy to fight our enemies, but in a civilized society, excessive fear and anger generally backfire and cause a lot of problems.
When anger gets out of control, it is destructive. The higher cortical (thinking) areas of the brain go largely offline, and higher-order thinking shuts down. Simply put, we become less intelligent when we are angry. This happens because the primitive survival part of the brain instinctually takes over. When the survival brain goes into high gear to protect us, it consumes most of the available glucose in the brain. The higher cognitive structures in the brain have less energy, making the person less capable of rational thought. The person enters a self-consumed state in which they are far less incapable of seeing other people's needs and opinions. And in a modern society, thinking and working with people who disagree with us is vital to our growth and restoration.
There is an interesting relationship between anger and perfectionism. When you have high and very rigid expectations for yourself or for others, you set yourself up to be disappointed. We are all flawed and life is imperfect. This is not to excuse mediocracy; it’s just the way things are, and when you can accept this, it makes life much easier. Be a recovering perfectionist, hold to your standards but learn to tolerate imperfection.
Anger is natural and necessary for survival, but it must be managed outwardly. When you feel anger or rage, you are in a primitive state. If you let this primitive part of yourself take control, you will respond primitively, which will set in motion primitive responses from any opponent, and you may literally find yourself in a fight for your life.
Anger likely gets passed on generationally; some people are more “hot-headed” than others, and some live or grow up in a constant state of threat. Dr. Hanscom writes, “Consider the hypervigilance of a feral cat compared to a pampered domestic one. It is difficult to truly tame a cat who had to fend for itself from birth. It takes less stress to set off the threat response, and this is also hardwired in for each individual.”
It is important to become aware of how the nervous system works and to learn to respond outwardly in a more cognitively responsible manner. You can’t hold anger inside, but you do not want to let it all out, either. We need to recognize that anger is a natural part of life, but we also need to reflect on what has happened in the past when we got angry and acted out.
Some people use anger to their advantage. Angry behavior scares other people, who might back off or give in to the angry person in the hope that they will calm down. This can reinforce angry behavior. Some people also think angry behavior relieves tension. But if you look at the bigger picture, being chronically angry does not solve anything; it just drives problems under the ground, and they just pop back up again and again. We can’t go through life lashing out against everything that irritates us. This just alienates us from valuable sources of support. It also damages a person’s self-esteem and creates a lot of internal self-criticism.
Hidden Anger In Perfection
Managing Anger
Managing anger requires calming the lower survival areas of the brain to allow blood flow to energize the higher cortical areas of the brain where knowledge is more available. This is basically a “calm down and think” strategy. When you start to feel anger, notice and recognize your body’s internal warning signs, notice that you are entering into a state of extreme arousal in which threat is amplified, and your defenses are on high alert. You may not feel in control internally, but you always have a choice as to how you react. Choose not to let these angry feelings take charge. Create space between stimulus and response, give yourself time to think, drop into “the plane of infinite possibilities” (Dr. Daniel Siegel, Aware), and you will be able to come up with a more skillful response.
Unhealthy Responses to Anger
Unhealthy responses to anger. Acting In or Acting Out:
If you look at anger along a continuum of holding in or letting out (internalizing or externalizing), the effects of the two extremes begin to emerge. You either turn the anger inward on yourself or outward on others.
Act.ing In …….....ActingAppropriately..………Acting Out
Resentment, Jealousy Fighting, Destruction
Depression, Guilt, Shame Lying, Cheating
Harm Self Physical, Verbal Abuse
Social Isolation Socially Acting Out
Passive Aggressive Aggressive
Self- Harm Harm Others
Either of these extremes can contribute to relationship problems, substance abuse, internet or gaming addictions, eating disorders, spending or shopping disorders, or using “fun” and other activities to counteract or cover up these emotions. Both extremes can also cause a host of physical problems like hypertension, headaches, ulcers or digestive disorders, and a compromised immune system.
Healthy Responses To Anger
It is important to recognize that there is a middle ground in which you can express emotions appropriately.
Notice your overall state of physiological arousal. You can't avoid things that anger you? But you can learn to control your reactions. Acknowledge your hurt feelings but tell yourself not to react, give yourself some time to sort through your thoughts, and determine a skillful response. Calm down threat physiology and create safety:
Breathe Deeply and Slowly. Visualize your breath coming up from your gut
Visualize a relaxing experience, either from memory or imagination
Take a walk, Stretch, Do Yoga or Mindful Movements (relax muscles and calm breathing)
Try Physical activity or exercise to let off steam
Prayer or Meditation, if you have these practices
Say nothing or slowly repeat a calm word or phrase, such as“Relax” or “Take it easy.”
Leave the area, engage in music, journaling, or a hobby (some use humor as a coping skill)
Give yourself time to calm down.
Talk to a neutral person.
Express your angry feelings in an assertive, nonaggressive manner. Sort out what you need at this moment, but try not to think of yourself as a victim; your thoughts are a story. Change the narrative, question your thoughts or perceptions, lay out options, and make a decision.
Let go and Forgive the person
Forgive yourself for getting angry
If you're having trouble with anger, practice these techniques ahead of time so they will be available when you need them.
Once you calm your system, you’ll be able to address the upsetting situation more clearly and skillfully. Often, what seemed so important and intense just disappears when you calm down.
If you blame external things and create the narrative that something made you upset, the list is endless, and you will not be able to solve the anger problem because you do not own the problem. Things don’t make you upset; accepting responsibility for your actions means accepting that you allow things to make you upset. This allows you to frame the problem in a way that can be solved. Focus on yourself, and what you can control. Managing anger is an acquired skill that requires developing healthy responses to anger.
Helping Kids Manage Anger
Anger is a common emotion that many kids struggle with. If they learn how to manage anger during childhood they are not likely to struggle as adults. We have developed a package to help kids who struggle in this area. They identify where they feel anger in their body and color in the areas that upset them. We then help them identify their emotions and strengthen their language to help them choose words that will help them regulate their behavior. We take them through different triggers, help them identify a plan for when they get upset, and write down strategies they can use when they are triggered. The entire package is available in the Headway Store for a small fee.
