Dr. Neff has studied the differences between self-compassion and self-esteem or self-confidence. She has pointed out that to enhance self-esteem, we tend to compare or judge ourselves and others. We like to build ourselves up by thinking we are more intelligent, better, more talented, or more capable in some way than others. Self-compassion has many advantages over self-esteem. When we practice self-compassion, we don’t have to feel better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves. We can feel compassion for ourselves because every human deserves compassion and understanding. When we develop self-compassion, we can love ourselves and not react defensively when we make a mistake, are challenged, or aren’t feeling love from others. Self-compassion is about remembering: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE WORTHY. You’re allowed to be imperfect and to love yourself anyway. Some of the benefits of practicing self-compassion are:
Benefits of Self-Compassion:
• More willing to be vulnerable and to own up to mistakes
• More straightforward, accept criticism and work on weaknesses
• Better able to empathize with others
• Be more caring and supportive of partners
Self-compassion doesn't pressure us to be superhuman. It allows us to better respond to feedback and criticism. We’re also much more likely to take a chance and risk being wrong if we believe that mistakes are part of being human.
Dr. Carol Dweck has researched how mindsets increase willingness to take risks or try new things. She describes a fixed mindset as “attaching one’s sense of worth to fixed accomplishments such as academic scores, trophies, or accomplishments.”
With a fixed mindset, people believe their abilities and intelligence are innate traits and, therefore, cannot change. They think that talent alone leads to success and that effort is not required.
The attitudes of mindfulness stand in opposition to distorted thought patterns. They oppose the mindset of unhealthy thought practices such as holding on, non-acceptance, judging, labeling, non-trusting, or always needing more. Unhelpful attitudes filter what we see and prevent us from noticing the beauty around us and what is true or accurate.
Mind wandering occurs when we get caught up in the past or when we spend too much time thinking about the future. The only place we can exist or change anything is here and now. In some ways, the future is a concept that cannot exist because when or if we ever arrive at this future time or place that we all worry about, it will always be the present moment. All we have or will ever have is the present moment.
Focusing on the past or the future too much can lead to dissatisfaction with the present moment and constantly wanting things to be better in this imaginary life that can never exist. Being present and accepting, and appreciating life as it is, leads to greater happiness and joy.
Distorted thoughts can lead to negative mindsets or viewpoints or Unhealthy Belief Systems. A mindset is a view of life that profoundly affects how you live your life. Mindsets are habitual, automatic, reactive patterns of thinking. Once we accept and believe a certain way, we no longer question or examine the belief; these beliefs become our worldviews. Unhealthy mindsets color how we interpret events and influence our choices and opinions. Healthy mindsets help us grow and make better choices. We usually aren’t even aware that these patterns exist!
Chronic self-criticism and a lack of self-acceptance are fundamental barriers to happiness and well-being. Without self-acceptance, we face deep feelings of unworthiness, shame, lack of confidence, strained relationships, and diminished life potential. It doesn't have to be this way. Self-acceptance matters, but we must cultivate this Mindset, and our thoughts are a good place to start.
Have you ever been “lost in thought.” This is when you pour the coffee creamer into the sugar bowl or end up in a room or a situation where you do not know why you are there. Getting caught up in our internal world of confusing thoughts can cause all sorts of problems. Overthinking can create confusion, clutter, and noise in our heads and keep us from seeing all the available options. Sometimes, we try to think harder to solve problems that thoughts cannot fix. This causes our minds to race, and we have difficulty turning off thoughts.
We all have an amazing superpower known as neuroplasticity. Just like muscles in the body change when we do physical exercise, our brains change in response to our thoughts and actions. The more specific thought patterns are used, the stronger the connections between the neurons associated with that thought become. We can use our minds to literally change our brains.
Repetitive thoughts become patterns of activity in the brain. Many thought patterns that originate in childhood are carried into adulthood. When we do not re-examine our thoughts as we grow, we treat our thoughts like an uncultivated garden. When we challenge our unhelpful notions and ideas, we become conscientious, deliberate gardeners, and our thoughts bloom healthily. Learning to challenge what you think rather than accepting thoughts blindly is essential. Thoughts are just thoughts; careful examination helps us determine which ones are helpful and most deserving of our attention and are up to date with our knowledge and experience. This process is known as updating the reward value of our thoughts and behaviors; it is a necessary part of growth and restoration.
Becoming aware of how our thoughts influence us is a step toward learning how to manage them. Awareness or noticing thoughts is known as metacognition (thoughts about thoughts), and it is a step toward insight into how our thoughts impact us.