Grief and Loss
This Section Includes:
Grief and Loss: Introduction
The Relationship Between Grieving and Loss
Loss as a Positive Change
Grief, Loss, and Regrets
Grief Reactions
Trauma and Grief
William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Mourning
Helping Others with Grief and Loss
Grief and Loss: Introduction
Everyone experiences times of grief.
Grief is a complex, multilayered emotion.
Everyone’s grieving process is different and based on several factors.
Misconceptions about grief can interfere with the healing process.
Let's first define some terms to speak about such a profound emotion as grief.
Grief: a profound feeling of sadness and pain caused by an important loss, change, crisis, or failure – either actual or perceived.
Loss: a breaking of a bond you have formed with a significant person, place, thing, idea, or belief in your life.
Grieving: the process of acknowledging the loss, experiencing the grief that the loss produces, and incorporating the loss into your life.
Bereavement: to be deprived by death. Someone whose spouse has died is said to be bereaved.
Mourning: a state of being, a time of grieving where the individual focuses on the sadness. The length of time is different for everyone. There is no normal.
Process: allow yourself to feel emotions, especially sadness and grief, instead of avoiding or suppressing them. It is important to explore, allow, and accept your emotional state.
Factors that Complicate Grieving
The competitive nature of society and its low tolerance for loss and even less patience for grieving
The collective ignorance about the grief process, as well as how societal norms emphasize thinking over feeling, can turn death into a taboo subject.
Our inability to find meaning in the loss
Grief is highly emotional, and it hurts. We tend to avoid the feelings of sadness, anger, and fear. Grieving forces the issue if we are to process our feelings. However, feelings can be volatile and unpredictable.
Bonds with others are complex and a mixture of positive and negative experiences and associations. The intensity of grief is often based on the strength of the connection you have formed and the significance of the loss. Therefore, a profound loss is one in which you have developed a strong bond that has high significance for you.
The stronger the bond made with the person lost, the greater the significance a person holds the more profound the grief over the loss
The more profound the grief over the loss, the more involved the grieving process.
The Three Tasks of Grieving:
Acknowledge the loss
Experience the grief the loss produces
Incorporate the loss into the rest of your life
Everyone deals with grief in diverse ways. There is no right way to grieve. Preventing grief or choosing not to grieve sets you up to become embittered by the loss, paving the way for unpredictable behaviors.
Grief is the natural response to loss; replacements are attempts to restore health to a temporarily wounded system. However, although natural and shared by all, it is also our response, follows its course, and takes its own sweet time.
Factors that Influence Grieving
How naturally outgoing or introspective do you tend to be
How easily you express your feelings
How well integrated you are into a circle of friends, your family, and the local community
How confident you are
How secure your worldview is
Grief often begins abruptly – an event happens, and you are completely plunged into mourning. Other times, the loss is gradual, and you might have a corresponding slow buildup of grief.
Grief is individual and based on several considerations:
Spiritual beliefs
Life experiences, especially other losses
Types of loss suffered and the circumstances of the loss
Developmental and cognitive abilities
Meaning assigned to the loss
Physical health, age, gender, and culture
Personality, temperament, and attitude
Family patterns of grieving
Social support and meaningful activities in one’s life
Myths and Misconceptions About Grief:
“…it will pass."
"...time will heal your pain."
"...everyone knows how you feel."
"...don’t think about sad things; don’t focus on the negative."
"It could have been worse.”
The Relationship Between Grieving and Loss
“There are losses that disappoint us, make us sad, angry, ashamed, or resentful, and there are those where we simply shrug our shoulders and move on. Some losses motivate us to increase our efforts to overcome our problems. Then there are those losses, the most painful of all, which we grieve over. What differentiates grief from other reactions is the love and meaning we’ve given to the person, place, or thing we’ve lost. The more we love or need someone or something, the more he, she, or it means to us, the more likely we are to grieve and the longer and more intense our grieving experience.”- Dr. Debra Holland, The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving (2011).
Dr. Holland's book tackles the difficult topic of how to deal with grief as a human being. She makes many points in her work that are inspiring, insightful, and perhaps hard to swallow.
We can grieve for various types of losses.
We need to honor our feelings of loss, no matter how insignificant the loss seems to others.
Secondary losses accompany many losses.
After a loss, we often struggle with regrets.
Losses force us to grow in ways we may not have chosen on our own.
What about the many different types of losses? Let's break them down into accessible categories.
Types of Losses
To make navigation easier for you, we've compiled our list of Types of Losses into a downloadable document.
Loss as Positive Change
Not all losses are bad. Some involve life transitions that provide closure for something we’ve accomplished, or the loss can end a certain period in our lives.
They may also move us to a different place. While we may be happy about the change, we may grieve how our life was before.
Examples:
New job - grieve old job, coworkers, tasks, goals, routines
Child leaving for college - grieving loss, distance, and change
A young adult in the first college semester may grieve home life and related friends
New home - grieve neighborhoods, old haunts, and activities
Getting married - grieving single life loss
First baby - grieving loss of time, peaceful nights, freedom, etc.
Grief, Loss, and Regrets
When dealing with grief and loss, many people reflect, see mistakes, and wish they could change things. There are three types of regret you may have during grief.
Regret Type 1
This regret focuses on the prevention of the loss and usually begins with the words “if only…” concerning actions you wish you had taken (or not taken).
Examples:
If only I had dragged my husband to the doctor, he might still be alive.
If only I hadn't fallen asleep at the wheel, I wouldn't have gotten into an accident and wrecked my car.
If only I'd locked all the windows, my house wouldn't have been broken into.
If only I’d kept my teenager at home that night instead of allowing her to drive to that party.
If only I'd worked harder at my job, my company might not have laid me off.
Regret Type 2
The second type also starts with “if only…” and involves actions you wished the victim had taken (or not taken).
Examples:
If only my husband hadn't stepped on the ice, he wouldn’t have slipped and frozen to death.
If only my wife had worn a seatbelt, she wouldn't have been crippled in her car accident.
If only my friend had eaten healthy instead of living on junk food, he might've escaped having that heart attack.
If only my son hadn’t left the door unlocked, we wouldn’t have been robbed.
If only the sitter hadn't taken her eyes off my little girl, she wouldn't have drowned in the pool.
Regret Type 3
This regret involves wanting to change something about yourself or what you did or didn't do in the past. You may wish you'd been a better person, or you can feel bad about something you left unsaid or undone. Conversely, you may regret some things you said or did. People with this type of regret say things like:
I wish to spend more time with my children when they were little instead of working so much. I didn't realize how fast they grew up and that I'd be left with an empty house.
I should have told my wife more often that I love her. I thought we'd have forever.
I used to complain about my son: how messy and inconsiderate he was and how I had to force him to do his homework. If I had him back, I'd never complain again.
I never thought I'd get divorced. I took my husband for granted. I loved him too little but scolded, nagged, and complained too much.
Grief can change your familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. A loss can affect you in all areas of your life: your mood, health, work, interaction with others, and how you see yourself.
Everyone expresses emotion differently. Shedding tears may help you cope better with what you are going through. Talking to others, being around family/friends/pets, and letting yourself feel what you feel is vital when dealing with all types of loss.
Grief Reactions
We can feel confused and disoriented when we first undergo a loss, crisis, or major life event. Our lives have been changed in some way. We may feel unable to think clearly or absorb what's happening. The loss might not make sense. It may take hours, days, weeks, or even months before the change feels real. (Holland).
Grief may be experienced and expressed in physical, emotional, neutral, behavioral, and spiritual ways. These feelings and reactions often intertwine. They are often uncomfortable, especially with multiple facets and effects, yet they are a normal part of the mourning process.
Biological or physical reactions often catch people off guard. Therefore, it is very important to practice self-care when experiencing grief.
Typical reactions include:
sobbing, sighing
trembling, chills, sweating
digestive disorders (includes symptoms of nausea, indigestion, diarrhea, constipation)
change in sleep patterns (includes nightmares, excess sleeping, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, or both)
feeling faint, weak, dizzy, or lightheaded
change in weight gain or loss because of tightness/emptiness in the stomach; not feeling hungry or overeating to fill the emptiness
change in sex drive (increase or decrease / more or less connection with a partner)
shortness of breath, tightness in the chest
tightness or soreness in the throat
easily startled or jittery
restlessness, agitation, clumsiness
weakened immune system
Emotional reactions to loss are as different as the individual's. Some are more affected than others, even when experiencing the same loss. Many have no clue how to cope with grief, especially with a major loss.
Typical reactions include:
sensitivity
regret, guilt
sadness, hopelessness, apathy
anxiety, panic or panic attacks, fear or phobias
agony, anguish
longing, loneliness
shame
depression, not wanting to live anymore, mood swings
minimizing (trying not to feel or make your feelings unimportant)
relief
abandonment, bitterness, blame
emptiness, lower self-esteem
powerlessness, helplessness, and a sense of being out of control
Tears are a common reaction to grief. Physically, shedding tears during a highly emotional or stressful event removes toxic substances from the body. Tears also contain leucine enkephalin, which is a natural pain reliever. Tears communicate that something is wrong: pain, sadness, or hurt. Although men don’t usually cry tears of anger, it’s not uncommon for women to feel mad and cry.
Some insight into the differences in emotional reactions between men and women:
Men are socialized not to have feelings that make them look weak
Men under extreme stress or depression are irritable, often with limited insight as to why
Men tend to blame outside circumstances or other people rather than recognize what they are feeling inside
Men are more likely to act out
Women cry five times more than men
Mental reactions:
short attention span, difficulty focusing, concentrating, and comprehending
forgetfulness
surreal sense - depersonalization, derealization
vivid dreams/nightmares
difficulty making decisions
overly critical thoughts
Behavioral reactions:
avoidance, shutting down
needing to be with others, excessive partying
erratic, irrational behavior
being frantically busy or overactive in certain areas like work or school
needing to talk to the deceased
dependency on other people
difficulty with communication
identification (ex: wearing something from the deceased or something else that reminds you of them)
apathy or disinterest in things you used to find pleasurable
There is nothing wrong with solitude if you must be alone to think, feel, and come to terms with your loss, but don’t completely isolate yourself from family and friends. Talking about memories with others and feelings helps the healing process.
Losses can cause painful spiritual effects as we attempt to find meaning and purpose as we process our grief. It’s common to question, blame, or become angry with God. We wonder if God has abandoned us or if we are being punished for some wrong.
Typical effects can include:
anger at a religious institution or clergy
lose faith in God
closer connection to God or a departed loved one
a desire to change and become a better person, create meaning in your life, or impact and change the world in some way
you give up
feeling betrayed by God, especially if you prayed for something, believed it would happen, and it didn’t
Trauma and Grief
Trauma and grief are often interconnected as death or loss can occur shockingly, and a traumatic event involves one or more losses. Traumatic events and the death of someone close are severe stressors, and when they occur simultaneously, we have to deal with both the effects of the trauma and grief.
An ongoing, painful, and/or frightening situation such as abuse, neglect, or the terminal illness of loved ones can also traumatize us. How one deals with trauma and crisis is unique to each individual and is based on the following:
A person’s training
coping ability
personality
values
life experiences
fears, expectations, and beliefs
support system
early childhood attachment
resiliency
War and disasters are incredibly traumatic for people. Often, extreme loss triggers fear for their lives, what happens next/the future, and who to trust or who is an enemy.
The fear they experience often leads to the development of symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder.
Symptoms of PTSD:
re-experiencing the trauma
reactions (emotional) to triggers
avoidance
hyperarousal
Personality is one factor to consider when discussing or pondering trauma and grief.
People who are sensitive and imaginative are more apt to experience acute stress during what they interpret as dangerous situations. Because of their sensitivity, they tend to feel more frightened by encounters or experiences that would leave others unaffected.
Because of imagination and sensitivity, they replay the incident as it happened but often imagine what might have happened instead of “I’m safe.” They look at what could have gone wrong, which is often strengthened by others.
A traumatic experience is like a gunshot wound—it requires immediate attention. Traumatic reactions can sometimes get in the way of grief or get hit by both at once.
Ways of coping include:
Set limits with others during times you don’t feel like talking
Rest, eat healthy, exercise regularly
Pray, stretch, meditate, read
Take vitamins and supplements
Avoid caffeine
Avoid drugs, alcohol, and sleeping pills
Increase activity
Choose a support system carefully
William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Mourning
Worden describes four tasks of mourning in his book "Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy." We're only covering the basics here, so please pick up Worden's book if you or someone you love is in need.
According to Worden, these are the tasks you must accomplish for the process of mourning to be completed:
Accept the reality of the loss
Work through the pain of grief
Adjust to a changed environment
Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life
Some more notes from his book follow these lines:
These stages are not necessarily linear
Be as proactive with the tasks as possible
Mourning rituals are important to resolve the reality of the loss (wake, funeral, memorial, burial)
Working through pain and grief includes dealing with anger, sadness, guilt, and anxiety
Adjusting is coping with the loss of a loved one and possibly taking on new roles in relationships and life
Emotionally relocating is investing emotionally in something or someone new and shifting feelings that allow you to move on with your life. This does not mean forgetting the loss.
Dr. Theresa Rando's 6 'R' Processes of Mourning
Rando wrote a book called "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies," Within it, there's a catchy list of 6 'R' Processes of Mourning. Like with Worden's 4 Tasks of Mourning, we will only cover the bare information here, but buy the book if you're able—losing a loved one comes eventually if it hasn't happened already.
Rando states her 6 'Rs' fall within the stages of mourning, and she notes the differences between grief and mourning. Her description of grief is more a reflexive reaction to the loss, whereas she says mourning is an ongoing process of moving toward accommodation.
Here are the 6 'R' Processes of Mourning:
Recognize the loss. Acknowledging the reality of death/loss and comprehending the cause.
React to the separation. Identifying and expressing feelings and/or reactions.
Recollect and re-experience the deceased and the relationship. Connecting to memories and related feelings.
Relinquish old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world. Surrendering old connections.
Readjust to move adaptively into a new world without forgetting the old. Developing a new relationship with loss and a new identity of self-being in the world
Reinvest in life. Develop new relationships
Helping Others with Grief and Loss
Helping with someone’s grief over a loss can be tough. Feelings of your helplessness in the situation stem from several fears, including:
You’ll say something wrong, embarrass yourself, and end up offending the person you are trying to support
The strength of emotions will get out of control
The bereaved emotions will stir up your own, and you may lose control
In trying to support others’ grief, your fears and deep discomfort will resurface
What Not to Say (When Dealing with Others’ Grief and Loss):
Statements that begin with “you should” or “you will” or “at least”
Don’t minimize others’ pain
Don’t try to explain what God is doing behind the scenes
Don’t compare to what another person is going through
Examples of this include saying things like:
At least it’s not as bad as
It’s okay; you’ll have other children
It’s not a problem
I know how you feel
You know you may not believe it now, but you’ll get over it
He (or she) wouldn’t have wanted you to feel this way
God never gives anything that you can’t handle
Time heals all wounds
Don’t dwell
Don’t feel bad
It’s time for you to move on
It’s probably all for the best
It’s in the natural order of things
She lived a full life
Be grateful; you had him with you for so long
It was just her time to go
It was not meant to be
You’re strong enough to deal with it
What to Say or Do:
I love you
I am so sorry. You don’t have to explain anything
A wordless hug
A card that says I can grieve with you
Pray
Gift cards to restaurants
In the end, support others when they're going through grief and loss. Keep this list in mind when supporting them through this time:
Listen
Be okay with having nothing to say
Be honest
Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing
Hold back any judgment
No cliches
Don’t try to fix it
Be mindful of the effects of touch
Try not to change the subject
Don’t push an agenda
This section includes much information, especially if you've only been scrolling through various Unhelpful Emotions. Spend a balanced amount of time looking over the sections on helpful emotions. See what happens when you shift your focus to positive emotions. What you pay attention to will have more neurological activity associated with it and will be given priority status by the brain.
