Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Love maps are about both persons feeling known and understood. It is a strategy for getting to know one another deeper. In Seven Principles, Dr. Gottman introduces a Love Maps Questionnaire and a 20 Questions Game. Both of these exercises are about getting to know your partner, their friends, what stresses them out, their irritations, their dreams, religious beliefs, relatives they like or dislike, music, movies, special times of life, the most stressful thing that happened during their childhood, their best friends growing up, their first impressions of you, their current worries, etc.. It is about really getting to know the person, and yes, it is about their “love languages,” but it is more than just knowing what makes them feel appreciated and cared for; it is understanding who they are, their history, and how they came to be with you. Dr. Gottman argues that a good friendship is the basis for a healthy marital relationship.

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

If you still have a fondness and admiration for your partner, then your marriage is salvageable. Although you may feel driven to distraction by your spouse, the real question is, do you think the person you are married to is worthy of honor and respect? One way to bring this into awareness is to consider how you met and developed fondness and admiration. There should be a fondness and admiration trail that attracts you even if you have lost your way. According to the Seattle research, “94% of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well.” Friendship is the core of a good marriage; by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities, you can prevent the deterioration of a relationship even as you grapple with each other’s flaws.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Rather Than Away

To connect is to turn toward one another; this is how couples build trust. Healthy couples routinely bid for each other’s attention, affection, and support. These small bids are an invitation to connect, to be noticed, and to communicate about small things, such as what they are having for dinner, plans for the afternoon, how the kids are doing, or the dishwasher acting up. Couples who stay together respond positively to bids 86 % of the time, and couples who do not stay together respond positively only 33% of the time. Interestingly, most of the arguments between couples are about bids for attention rather than more significant things like money, sex, or chores. Responding to and accepting bids is like putting money in the relationship bank; turning away is making a withdrawal. Small positive changes compound into big changes over time.

Principle 4 Let Your Partner Influence You

Make your partners a true partner in decision-making. The happiest marriages are ones in which the men do not mind sharing power in decision-making with their wives. Some people (especially men) would rather use one of the horsemen strategies than allow their partner to share power, creating a disparity in relationship. The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a problematic marital topic. Sharing power increases the chances that the marriage will thrive. Learning to yield or compromise is often the best way to get what you want in a relationship. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, women are 80% more likely to bring up sticky household problems than men, and men are more likely to use one of the horsemen than wives. When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, it strengthens their friendship. You might find that your spouse has a beautiful voice when you listen.

Principle 5: Solve the Solvable Problems Soften your start-up. Try not to be harsh when you introduce the discussion and avoid any of the four horsemen (criticism, defense, stonewalling, or defensiveness). Most marriage failures occur because connections are lost due to distancing because of constant small skirmishes. Take some responsibility for the problem and make a bid for a compromise. It is ok to complain but not to blame. Use I Messages, I feel… about what…… and I need….. . You are well qualified when talking about your feelings, but be careful when you talk about the other person. You are not listening to me vs. I would like it if you listen to me. You are careless with money vs. I want us to save more. You just don’t care about me vs. I feel neglected. Notice how the I messages resonate but the you messages do not. Describe what is happening without judging. Be clear about your positive need, be polite and appreciative that you are talking, and always use loving speech. These skills keep you from storing up or distancing yourself.

Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Be careful not to cloud the air with negativity. Send and receive repair attempts softly and lovingly, and train each other to notice when a repair attempt is being sent.

Sooth yourself and one another; this is known as co-regulation. If you notice yourself or your partner getting upset or feeling flooded, you are not in a frame of reference to resolve the conflict. Ask yourself, what makes each of us flooded, how do we typically bring up feelings of irritability or complaint, do either of us store things up, is there anything I can do to soothe you? Is there anything you can do to relieve me? What signals can we develop to let each other know when we are feeling flooded? Can we take breaks?

Compromise is not about one giving in to another; it is about accepting that you are both partially correct. The cornerstone of compromise is accepting the other person’s influence. This does not mean you agree with everything; it just means accepting their influence.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock: Sometimes, gridlock is inevitable. Signs of gridlock are: 1. You have the same argument repeatedly, with no resolution, 2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection; 3. The problem is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on, and 4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out and giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self. The goal is to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. We all have dreams and we need to help each other support their dreams. Become a dream detective. Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your relationship. Try a temporary compromise. Relationships are never 50-50, sometimes 60-40, sometimes 80-20, sometimes in your favor, sometimes not. Compromise requires give and take.

Principle 7: Generate Shared Meaning: Create a shared meaning that arises from the skills discussed above. Through friendship, turning toward, allowing the other person to influence you, and problem-solving, you create an atmosphere where dreams can be addressed and each person’s needs can be met. This results in rituals of connection that form the basis of a healthy relationship.